A year?

Wow I can't believe its been a year since I posted anything. I really havent felt like letting anyone inside my head for a while... trust me you are better off having missed that little window.

The fog is lifting off my head and heart these days, and little by little I feel more me. Ugh that and my blog was depressing me even more. Hence the year long sabatical.

And off we go!

I am increasingly enjoying motherhood again. I wasnt sure there for a while if I was ever going to get that feeling back. The numbness took over me completely and I was just going through the motions. I am not saying I didn't love her, I just didnt want to be the mom. The resposibility was overwhelming and having the forced smile on my cheeks 24/7 made me feel like a crazed beauty queen who lost her vasoline. Just like the sun melted all the snow, the light has warmed my heart. I have been enjoying morning snuggles, kissing ouchies, ponytails and kool-ade mustaches. I look forward to her coming inside smelling of summer, running to embrace me and tell me how much fun she had. Its been a reconnecting with my maternal side and I am very glad for it.

Part of whats so awesome lately is watching Ryan blossom into such a beautiful, smart, funny kid. She listens to my music and just embraces it as her own. I don't know another 5 yearold who knows the words to Hall and Oates "Maneater". She cried the first time she heard "How deep is your love" by The Beegees. She loves to share, and loves every kid she sees. We recently discovered a couple of little girls living 5 seconds away. So she has spent every available moment with her new besties! They even had a sleepover lastnight. How do you not love this kid? Here's hoping we enjoy every second this summer before we begin KINDERGARTEN!!!

LOL so anyway I was just tryin to warm my blog back up and get back into the groove a little. I plan on getting back to this regularly.

All I am, or can be, I owe to my angel mother. - Abe Lincoln

So its been just over 6 months since my mom passed away, and I still think of her everyday to the point of my crying. Little by little it gets easier but some days it just hits me hard! The past few days I have been cleaning and organizing my craft room so I can kind of take stock of what I actually have. Trying to keep from buying unnecessary duplicates. In all my cleaning and junk throwing out I keep stumbling upon pics of my mom. All different types of pics... old ones of her and I when I was little, pics or her and Mike and just random pics of everything/everyone. Each picture is like a tiny pin that just pokes deeper and deeper into my heart. Then I found the box I had been avoiding, the box of her papers and mish-mosh from her old job/s.
Inside the box is lots of weird pens and post it pads, and COUNTLESS pictures. Pictures of Ryan, Velma's kids, Ben and I, Kelsey and pictures of Grandpa Smith. (who passed away almost two weeks ago) It all just served as a reminder that even when she was so self absorbed and so self damaging she never stopped keeping us all in her heart. She loved everyone but herself, and so selflessly! So through all the cleaning I was, of course, sobbing and dripping tears all over the place. Then I found, in some of my stuff, a letter. I had forgotten all about this letter. It was one of the real letters she wrote me while she was in rehab, full of her daily routine and learning's. Over half way through the letter she begins hinting at how one of her steps in recovery is to make amends. (Like I didn't know, lol) So she begins to make her amends to me in the letter, kind of back handed and saying that I don't have to believe what she is saying but that she is sorry all the same.
At first, upon re-reading it, I was angry... how dare she say it in a letter. How could it not have been important enough to say to my face, or to at least to say to me on the phone so that we could discuss it a little. I was just about to start fuming and then it hit me... how hard it must have been to write it? How hard for her it must have been to just put it out there, not knowing how I would construe its meanings. Not being able to expand or really explain how she intended it to sound. Just an uncomplicated "I'm sorry". I know it was no easy task for her and just because it wasn't how I would have liked her to say it doesn't negate its meaning! I only wish I had seen this when she wrote it to me, rather then just discarding it into the pile of random letters and post-cards from her.
I know whats done is done and I know that there is no way of knowing. I just wish I could have 5 minutes to hug her and tell her I forgive her. To tell her I understand and love her. Everyone just tells me to tell her now and that she will "hear me"... its not the same though and I am sad for it. I know she knew I loved her and I know she loved me, I would just love to really tell her.

Doodle-icious

I am trying to keep the creative juices flowing by doing something crafty/artsy everyday. It could be crochet, sculpey, scrapbooking, photography or doodles. I really don't think I am a good 2D artist, but I can doodle something cute now and then.

The past two days I have been completely hoarse with a sore-ish throat. Miss Ryan accused me of sounding like a monster, lol. Sadly she's not too far from the truth, I sound horribly croaky. I have tried all my "never fails" and they are failing, even Throat Coat tea isn't working. Now I'm just trying not to talk at all to try and heal/rest it up. Not an easy task with a maniacal 4 year old on the loose getting into everything. She totally knows I can't yell at her too, and she is taking full advantage of it. The up/downdownside of having smart children, they can read youlike a book and know how to get around you. LOL sad but true! One fun thing for me though, I bought the other ami pattern book I have been wanting RoxyCraft.com's book "Tiny Yarn Animals" it is full of CUTE little guys. Oh and lastnight I made my lil sis M a bday- pressie, she is obsessed with giraffes so I made one sans pattern. I hope she will love it, and I already know I have to make a second one for my other giraffe fan, Miss Ayla.

My new cute creations

I was bored yesterday so I made some salt dough and began making some little friends. Then I made a few more... and then it kind of snowballed and I have SEVERAL. I still have a huge mound of dough too so I will inevitably make more. I used a few of my pattern books for inspiration and made some "creepy cute" friends. I will post more pics later.

Tea for three.... then MELTDOWN!

Today I had a little princess tea party for Ryan and her two friends Mercuree and Giselle. So on went the dress-up dresses, make-up and crowns. Lots of ballet dancing and twirling. I made some peppermint tea, mini muffins and jam tarts. Fun, fun, fun!

All was going well until about an hour and a half into it when the sugar high they were on became a whirlwind crash and burn! As soon as it was time for someone to go home it was pre-school DRAMA! I became the worst mother in the world, lol. I have spent the last few hours being yelled at and being told "I don't care about you anymore!". How am I supposed to deal with a mini-me? Ahhh the joys of motherhood! Why did no one warn me about this part?

Lazy Sunday afternoon

So today we are just lounging around relaxing. Ofcourse while I relax I crochet so I made a new ami today. Amazon Princess, I'll be calling her Zena from now on. She is from the book, "Creepy Cute Crochet" by Christen Haden, I was talking about. Zena is the first I have attempted from the book and I am going to make some more today I think. They are just too cute to resist. Besides, I have nothing else to do but watch the kidlet run around naked like a crazy person.

Side note, we Netflixed 3 seasons of Gummi Bears and have been watching them back to back. I think I will have the theme song stuck in my head for AGES! I did forget what a cute show it is though and have been enjoying watching it.

Sigh, It's been a while.

So I haven't posted on here in forever. I haven't really had anything to say that I wanted anyone to read. Depression and anger have had a hold of me for quite a while as I have been really struggling through the loss of my mom. I still cry everyday and miss her even more. But life goes on they say and I am TRYING to move past/through it. I have started crocheting again which is a good sign. It makes me happy to create things and it takes my mind off of other pressing thoughts. I am really trying to get back to some semblance of normalcy, I know its been hard on my household. Especially Miss Ryan, she never knows when I am going to burst into tears or just freak out. She is always trying to be sweet and it IS sweet, but then she will say things like "I'm sorry your mommy died" its all I can do not to just break down sobbing. Ugh its so hard to try and stay a little bit strong for her, if I start crying then she starts crying and we both just end up crying for like an hour. Its rough! But I am making little strides and victories everyday, I don't instanly start crying when I see her pictures or look at the piano, so that has to go in the win column!

Anyway on a happier note I bought some new pattern books and have been getting back to making little friends for Ryan and her army of ami's. I really reccomend "Creepy Cute Crochet' by Christen Haden and "Amigurumi World, seriously cute crochet" by Ana Paula Rimoli. They are both SUPER cute and have really great patterns for both beginners and pro's! I can't wait to start some of the creepy ones, think I will start with the skelleton bride and groom, TOO CUTE! How can you not love little gothic ami's?